Sir John Falstaff, Shakespeare’s brilliant ne’er-do-well, recently heard for the first time about American College Football. He seemed wholly incapable of understanding the rules of the game and was particularly bewildered by such concepts as “delay of game” and “rushing.” He disliked the idea of a rigid hierarchy among colleges and was furious at the injustice of a BCS ranking. He did highly approve of the idea of cheerleaders and was most intrigued at the idea that institutions of higher learning would have mascots. His interest spiked when he learned that many people wager on the games and that professional prognosticators predict months in advance how a team will fare by the end of the season. He avowed that he would be able to do the same simply on the basis of the team’s mascot, and – oblivious to the question of division or even to whether or not the college fields a football team – he provided his own “Pre-season Top Ten.”

Here then, based on his reaction to their mascots are Jack Falstaff’s pre-season top ten football teams. Please note that all quotes are from Henry IV, Part I (now playing at the Blackfriars Playhouse) with paraphrases in parentheses.

10. Rutgers Scarlet Knights

    – “They are an everlasting bonfire-light.” (III.iii)

9. South Carolina Gamecocks

   – (“How but ‘game’?”)

8. Wake Forest Demon Deacons

   – “I think upon Hell-Fire.” (III.iii)

7. Scottsdale Community College Artichokes

   – (“I love an ’earty joke.”)

6. Purdue North Central Centaurs

   – “Spit in my face and call me horse.” (II.iv)

5. Cal State Monterey Bay Otters

   – “She's neither fish nor flesh, a man knows not where to have her.” (III.iii)

4. St. John’s College Platypi

   – see above

3. Vassar Brewers

   – “tis no sin for a man to labor in this vocation.” (I.ii)

2. Long Beach State Dirtbags

   – “They’ll fill a pit as well as better.” (IV.ii)

and Sir John Falstaff’s pre-season number one college football team – despite their opening game loss – based on their team name is. . .


1. The Oregon Ducks

   – “The better part of valor is discretion.” (V.iv)

Come see John Falstaff in all of his rotund glory on the stage of the beautiful Blackfriars Playhouse in Henry IV, Part I and The Merry Wives of Windsor!

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